7wks 4 days....Due Sept. 23rd!

Guess what?!

Today is Monday, January 23rd and on Wednesday I will be 7 weeks PREGNANT!!!!!

No treatments, no pills, no injections. It all happened the old fashioned way! My due date is my birthday, September 12th!

*SIGH*

I don't know who to say this to, so I'll just say it here...

I was doing really well with the not getting pregnant thing. I really didn't want to be pregnant because I want to keep losing the weight but now comes the time of year for everyone to get pregnant apparently. I was off work for 2 days. I come to work today, I am here for less than 2 hours and have been given the news twice that someone is pregnant. That just gets my hormones and biological clock all ticking and I can't help but be sad that I am not one of them. One of the people I am truly truly happy for. She has been trying for a while and finally she is pregnant. The other one just decided around Christmas she wanted to be pregnant and POOF now she is. UGH!

60 lbs!!!

I literally did a happy dance when I stepped off the scale this morning. I was worried. I had a rough couple of weeks with being sick and having to travel to Kentucky for a funeral but I stepped it up this week and apparently it turned out ok!!

New Hobby....maybe?

So I got a new camera. I really really want to take photography classes but I have no find some that I can afford. I have been playing with my new camera nonstop since I brought it home and took it out of the box. I have played with ISO settings, Aperture settings, focus, colors, anything I can think of. Here are a few shots I really like. Keep in mind, they are of just random objects. There is nothing significant yet. I thought I would play some and then maybe get some real shots on New Year's Eve.

WOW!

I am now 40 lbs lighter and a total of 17.25 inches smaller! Here are the specifics...

Waist - 4.5
Bust Chest - 4.5
Hips - 3.25
...Thigh - 5

I can't believe it!

Yay me!

I have now lost 36.5 lbs as of today. I go back to the doctor on the 18th for the official weigh-in. I am shooting for 40!

20 lbs!

I went to the doctor on Monday and my official weight loss is 20 lbs! So exciting but let's keep 'em comin!

I love when the numbers go down!

Today was weigh-in day again. I lost 3 1/2 more!! It puts me in such a good mood when I see that on the scale. I almost feel like dancing....lol

THAT PUTS ME AT 15 LBS LOST!!!!!!!

WOOHOO! Weight lost!

I have lost 11 and 1/2 pounds in 2 weeks and I am so unbelievably excited! I just have to keep this going! 11 and 1/2 may not be a huge amount but its more than I have ever lost before so I will take it!

To IVF or not to IVF? That is the question.

So, we went to the fertility doctor this morning. All went fine, I think it freaked Jason out a bit because he has never been in any place like that before. When we first walked in they put us in an exam room and he was kind of spooked by the exam chair and stirrups and all but I told him not to worry...lol. When the doctor was ready he took us into his office so that help Jason relax a little. The plan right now is to take the Provera to get me on regular periods again for the next 3 months and then in January we will start all the fun injections and stuff.

Here is the issue. When we got there the receptionist had me fill out all the paperwork and stuff again since it had been a while since I had been in. When she ran my insurance benefits it said we had IVF coverage. Well I have been down this road before. At the beginning of this year when my boss started trying to have a baby she was told the same thing, knowing that I would be interested in that info she told me about it. I called the insurance company to confirm and was told that they do not cover it. Now, I know they renegotiate our health benefits every year so its possible something could have changed. I spoke to my HR rep once I got to work and she called our insurance rep and the rep says that she does not know for sure if its covered or not, everything she is looking at leads her to believe its not but she is going to do some more checking and let me know.

So now I am not sure what the plan is. If its not covered we have a couple of options. We could give IUI another shot or my thoughts are that we do IVF, pay the deductible up front, and then let the doctor's office submit the claim to the insurance company and see if they will pay it. If they pay it, that is fabulous, if they don't then we can arrange to pay the doctor's office in payments. I could handle payments. I just can handle $8000 in one chunk. I have 3 more months to decide. IVF has a way higher success rate than IUI but IUI is way cheaper so it will definitely take some thought.

For those unfamiliar with all this IUI and IVF talk. IUI stands for Intra-Uterine Insemination, this is where they inject the sperm directly into the uterus so it doesn't have to survive the "swim" as long and you have a better chance of 1 sperm finding the egg since there are more of them. IVF is In-vitro fertilization, this is where they will do an egg retrieval from me, and then they inject the sperm directly into the egg in a petri dish and then place the egg in my uterus and hope it attaches itself. Its not exactly that simple but I don't know all the specifics yet so that is the gist of it.

That's all for today!

Here we go again!

So we are going next Wednesday to the fertility doctor. We want to try again after the first of the year so we want to get an action plan kind of laid out so that if there is anything we need to do now we can go ahead and get started. Its taken some time but I think I am ready for this again. Its emotionally draining but I have had a good amount of time off from it and maybe this time we will have success! I will keep this updated as much as possible as soon as there is something to report.

FINGERS CROSSED! Any prayers are much appreciated!

One of those days

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like a boiling pot that is about to boil over?

I am pretty sure I am having one of those days. There isn't any one thing in particular that I can blame it on. I just have so many things mashed down so far that my tolerance level doesn't have much room to add more. I will just say I wish there would be just 1 time that I, me, myself could get something I really really want. God knows what I need/want. Help a girl out would you please Lord?

I am not a huge rock music fan but there is one song by Linkin Park called By Myself that really makes a lot of sense to me. I listen to several of their songs when I am having a rough day. I would post the song but I am writing this from my cell phone so I don't know how. If you want to listen to it just Google it.

Its Mother's day

Yep. Sure is. Happy Mother's Day.

I got this from another blog I read and wanted to repost it.


But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9

"This weekend is perhaps the hardest of your year. Mother’s Day is Sunday. Families will gather and photos will be taken. Churches will hand out flowers and small trinkets and pastors will preach their best sermons about the gift of motherhood. Oceans of tears will flood the faces of infertile women, and hearts still trying to recover from miscarriage or stillbirth will shatter a little more.

Throughout the frustration of Mother’s Day--and all the days leading up to it--there is one powerful reality upon which you can rely. God’s amazing, all sufficient grace.
No matter the specifics of your struggle, you can depend on the sufficiency of God’s grace to be enough for you. How amazing is grace! There is no struggle, no hardship, no holiday through which grace cannot sustain you. It is strong enough, real enough to sustain you. It is made perfectly powerful in your weakness. Even on Mother’s Day.

You may be thinking, 'But I’m not a ‘super-Christian’! I fail God way too much for Him to grant such grace to me. If you had heard how I’ve spoken to Him since I’ve dealt with infertility you’d understand.' Or perhaps you’ve not spoken to Him at all lately. You wonder if He’s finished with you as well.

Friend, that’s the beauty of grace.

Grace is unmerited favor. If you had done anything to earn it, it simply wouldn’t be grace anymore. It’d be a paycheck! God gives you His unmerited, unearned favor. He knows you can’t earn His favor so with a heart the size of the Grand Canyon bursting with love for you, He grants His grace. Sufficient grace to get you through your first Mother’s Day without your twins. And the next Mother’s Day. And the next one. Strong enough to sustain you when your period starts again. Powerful enough to hold you together when you feel like you’ll fall apart when someone says something else hurtful and they don’t even realize it. Enough to walk you through more baby shower invitations and pregnancy announcements.

God’s amazing all-sufficient grace. Sufficient for Mother’s Day weekend. Sufficient for you."

I need to lose weight...

I want to lose weight. I just don't know what to do. Its going to be really really hard but if I could just find something that will give me results I think I could stick with it but its hard to when you don't see any results. Any advice outside of the regular eat right and exercise normal stuff please feel free to offer.

Scratch that

I called my insurance company today, my policy does NOT cover IVF according to the lady I was talking to. She did seem rather confused but I still believe she was probably correct. She did say its an option but my company didn't select it. Now I am considering paying out of pocket for independent health insurance as a secondary that will cover fertility stuff but I don't know if that is a possibility or not. I guess its worth checking in to. We'll see.

Some thoughts

I haven't posted in a while and I have some things on my mind so I thought I would put a little out there.

I learned of another pregnancy today and while I am thoroughly happy for this person and wish her all the best with her pregnancy its still a bit gut wrenching to me. She was told that she more than likely wouldn't get pregnant without help and they had planned to start fertility treatments this month but that apparently wasn't necessary because she is pregnant already. Don't get me wrong, I handle these things much better these days than I have in the past but there is still that slight knot that forms in my stomach when I hear news like this. You are probably asking yourself "then why aren't they still trying?", well its really expensive. This year I chose to do something for myself and have LASIK done on my eyes. I am very happy with the outcome and am pleased that I made the decision. Jason is still struggling to find a stable job (another topic for another day) and we make it by financially very very carefully. I don't think this is a stable environment to have a baby in right now anyway so we decided we would get things back on level ground and hopefully Jason will have full time work and we will check into the IVF thing at the beginning of next year. I have been told that our insurance will cover IVF after we meet our $2500 deductible but I would like to call and confirm that myself before I get my hopes up. I haven't done it yet because there is no way for us to do it right now anyway so I will call and see what they say when we get closer to time.

So for now I will enjoy what time I get to spend with my wonderful niece and nephews and try to enjoy the peace and quiet in my house when its there.

Stress, stress, and more stress

I don't know that I have ever felt this much stress/depression. I don't know how much longer I can cope without biting some innocent person's head off. I try, I really do, to keep my temper too myself but sometimes just a little bit slips. I don't know when Jason is going to find a job. I don't know IF Jason is going to find a job. We have made it this long but it has not been fun and probably going to get worse if he doesn't get a job soon. He says he is determined to get a job by Friday, and while I appreciate the determination there is no guarantee. He goes places everyday. Almost everytime they interview him right then and then either say they will let him know or it will be a couple of weeks before they hire anyone, which if that was a definite it would be acceptable but no one says anything definite. He went up to Ernie's Plumbing which is a really nice company with benefits and all that and the guy (actually a plumber that came to our house a few years ago and did some work) talked to him and said he would really like to hire him but he is the plumbing manager so he has to talk to the dispatch manager and she was busy at the moment so he would have her call him. Then Jason called her today and she told him that she would really like to hire him but Ernie said he wanted to hire someone that speaks Spanish. WTF? This is America people! Is that allowed?

I just don't know what else to do. I am at a loss. It effects my sleep, it effects my mood, its starting to effect my work and even my marriage because we are both on edge. I know, I know, it will all work out. But when? Before I lose my house or after?

Another year...

and another holiday season that I still have no kids. :-(

Adoption Agency phone call

I just got off the phone with the adoption agency. I wish they wouldn't make it sound like such a business deal. They told me that have different "packages", like I am purchasing internet service or something. Anyway, she told me she would pull my application and see what she could do for me. She is going to send me an invitation to their orientation meeting they have once a month. I guess we will learn more then. At least I got someone on the phone this time and someone is looking into things for us.

Adoption...

Well, it looks like we may be adopting. We discussed it recently and feel that instead of spending thousands and thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant when it might not ever be successful we should use that money to adopt a child that is already alive and that needs someone to love and take care of them. I have done some research and talked to a friend that has been through it and she gave me a lot of good advice. I know that adopting will not stop the urge I have to be pregnant but it will give me the child or children I want to have. I have grown ok with not being pregnant. I do wish that I could experience what its like to find out I am pregnant and have that life growing inside of me but if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be. I will raise an adopted child and love them just as much if not more than if I had a biological child. I know there are a lot of children out there in bad situations and I just hope I can make one or maybe two of their lives better.

So now, I am waiting. I have filled out the application online and it said they would contact me. Well that was over 3 weeks ago and I haven't heard from them. I called them today and got a voicemail so I left a message. I don't know how long it will take to hear from them but I know the whole process is lengthy anyway so I am really anxious to get the ball rolling.

Well I guess that's all I have for now.

Good night!

I'm back

I don't really have a lot to say. There isn't much going on. I have started doing water aerobics with Melinda. We do it two days a week. I am hoping that I can get motivated to go to the gym more often than that but we'll see. I am just taking it a step at a time.

We are working on saving some money to be able to do more treatments but its a slow process. Its really been kind of nice to not have to stress about what day of my cycle it is and when I have to take what. I am supposed to go have another HSG done but I am in no rush. The HSG is the test that tells them if my fallopian tubes are open completely. They inject a dye and then do an xray to see if the dye flows through the tubes freely. I have noticed several of the blogs I read that were struggling with infertility they are now pregnant so maybe that's a good thing for me, I am not sure yet.

So far the summer has been good. We have been hanging out a lot with some good friends of ours and just doing what we want when we want. Jason's new job is definitely helping with that. We did add a new addition to our family. Ace has been with us for about 3 weeks now. He is a 15 month old Yorkie. He follows me around like my shadow. We are finally passed the "getting use to each other" phase, now he is just learning the rules of the house. He is a good dog and he is very sweet.

Well I guess that's all for now. I hope everyone is doing well!

So much for that

I started my period today. I am pissed but there is nothing I can do. I am out of money and that's it. I don't know if I will post again for a while. There is just nothing else to say. I will just put my stupid fake happy face on and pretend everything is ok. What else is new? I have become a pro at it.

My niece....the goober

She cracks me up!

What now?

I am at work and just NOT in the mood to do ANYTHING. I just want to go home and go to bed. I have work that needs to get done but I just can't motivate myself. I am in a very blah mood. I don't really care to talk to anyone. Normally I go outside and talk to my boss while she smokes a cigarette and I'm not really even in the mood to do that. I need something exciting to do, something to look forward to at least until this 2ww is up. I might go insane before the two weeks is up! I really need to find something to do! Anyone have any ideas? Its hard to do anything when you don't want to be around anyone but maybe if its exciting I can handle the being around people part just don't expect me to be chipper (I know that's a stretch for me even on a good day...lol) or bouncing off the walls.