One of those days

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like a boiling pot that is about to boil over?

I am pretty sure I am having one of those days. There isn't any one thing in particular that I can blame it on. I just have so many things mashed down so far that my tolerance level doesn't have much room to add more. I will just say I wish there would be just 1 time that I, me, myself could get something I really really want. God knows what I need/want. Help a girl out would you please Lord?

I am not a huge rock music fan but there is one song by Linkin Park called By Myself that really makes a lot of sense to me. I listen to several of their songs when I am having a rough day. I would post the song but I am writing this from my cell phone so I don't know how. If you want to listen to it just Google it.

Its Mother's day

Yep. Sure is. Happy Mother's Day.

I got this from another blog I read and wanted to repost it.


But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9

"This weekend is perhaps the hardest of your year. Mother’s Day is Sunday. Families will gather and photos will be taken. Churches will hand out flowers and small trinkets and pastors will preach their best sermons about the gift of motherhood. Oceans of tears will flood the faces of infertile women, and hearts still trying to recover from miscarriage or stillbirth will shatter a little more.

Throughout the frustration of Mother’s Day--and all the days leading up to it--there is one powerful reality upon which you can rely. God’s amazing, all sufficient grace.
No matter the specifics of your struggle, you can depend on the sufficiency of God’s grace to be enough for you. How amazing is grace! There is no struggle, no hardship, no holiday through which grace cannot sustain you. It is strong enough, real enough to sustain you. It is made perfectly powerful in your weakness. Even on Mother’s Day.

You may be thinking, 'But I’m not a ‘super-Christian’! I fail God way too much for Him to grant such grace to me. If you had heard how I’ve spoken to Him since I’ve dealt with infertility you’d understand.' Or perhaps you’ve not spoken to Him at all lately. You wonder if He’s finished with you as well.

Friend, that’s the beauty of grace.

Grace is unmerited favor. If you had done anything to earn it, it simply wouldn’t be grace anymore. It’d be a paycheck! God gives you His unmerited, unearned favor. He knows you can’t earn His favor so with a heart the size of the Grand Canyon bursting with love for you, He grants His grace. Sufficient grace to get you through your first Mother’s Day without your twins. And the next Mother’s Day. And the next one. Strong enough to sustain you when your period starts again. Powerful enough to hold you together when you feel like you’ll fall apart when someone says something else hurtful and they don’t even realize it. Enough to walk you through more baby shower invitations and pregnancy announcements.

God’s amazing all-sufficient grace. Sufficient for Mother’s Day weekend. Sufficient for you."

I need to lose weight...

I want to lose weight. I just don't know what to do. Its going to be really really hard but if I could just find something that will give me results I think I could stick with it but its hard to when you don't see any results. Any advice outside of the regular eat right and exercise normal stuff please feel free to offer.

Scratch that

I called my insurance company today, my policy does NOT cover IVF according to the lady I was talking to. She did seem rather confused but I still believe she was probably correct. She did say its an option but my company didn't select it. Now I am considering paying out of pocket for independent health insurance as a secondary that will cover fertility stuff but I don't know if that is a possibility or not. I guess its worth checking in to. We'll see.

Some thoughts

I haven't posted in a while and I have some things on my mind so I thought I would put a little out there.

I learned of another pregnancy today and while I am thoroughly happy for this person and wish her all the best with her pregnancy its still a bit gut wrenching to me. She was told that she more than likely wouldn't get pregnant without help and they had planned to start fertility treatments this month but that apparently wasn't necessary because she is pregnant already. Don't get me wrong, I handle these things much better these days than I have in the past but there is still that slight knot that forms in my stomach when I hear news like this. You are probably asking yourself "then why aren't they still trying?", well its really expensive. This year I chose to do something for myself and have LASIK done on my eyes. I am very happy with the outcome and am pleased that I made the decision. Jason is still struggling to find a stable job (another topic for another day) and we make it by financially very very carefully. I don't think this is a stable environment to have a baby in right now anyway so we decided we would get things back on level ground and hopefully Jason will have full time work and we will check into the IVF thing at the beginning of next year. I have been told that our insurance will cover IVF after we meet our $2500 deductible but I would like to call and confirm that myself before I get my hopes up. I haven't done it yet because there is no way for us to do it right now anyway so I will call and see what they say when we get closer to time.

So for now I will enjoy what time I get to spend with my wonderful niece and nephews and try to enjoy the peace and quiet in my house when its there.

Stress, stress, and more stress

I don't know that I have ever felt this much stress/depression. I don't know how much longer I can cope without biting some innocent person's head off. I try, I really do, to keep my temper too myself but sometimes just a little bit slips. I don't know when Jason is going to find a job. I don't know IF Jason is going to find a job. We have made it this long but it has not been fun and probably going to get worse if he doesn't get a job soon. He says he is determined to get a job by Friday, and while I appreciate the determination there is no guarantee. He goes places everyday. Almost everytime they interview him right then and then either say they will let him know or it will be a couple of weeks before they hire anyone, which if that was a definite it would be acceptable but no one says anything definite. He went up to Ernie's Plumbing which is a really nice company with benefits and all that and the guy (actually a plumber that came to our house a few years ago and did some work) talked to him and said he would really like to hire him but he is the plumbing manager so he has to talk to the dispatch manager and she was busy at the moment so he would have her call him. Then Jason called her today and she told him that she would really like to hire him but Ernie said he wanted to hire someone that speaks Spanish. WTF? This is America people! Is that allowed?

I just don't know what else to do. I am at a loss. It effects my sleep, it effects my mood, its starting to effect my work and even my marriage because we are both on edge. I know, I know, it will all work out. But when? Before I lose my house or after?

Another year...

and another holiday season that I still have no kids. :-(

Adoption Agency phone call

I just got off the phone with the adoption agency. I wish they wouldn't make it sound like such a business deal. They told me that have different "packages", like I am purchasing internet service or something. Anyway, she told me she would pull my application and see what she could do for me. She is going to send me an invitation to their orientation meeting they have once a month. I guess we will learn more then. At least I got someone on the phone this time and someone is looking into things for us.

Adoption...

Well, it looks like we may be adopting. We discussed it recently and feel that instead of spending thousands and thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant when it might not ever be successful we should use that money to adopt a child that is already alive and that needs someone to love and take care of them. I have done some research and talked to a friend that has been through it and she gave me a lot of good advice. I know that adopting will not stop the urge I have to be pregnant but it will give me the child or children I want to have. I have grown ok with not being pregnant. I do wish that I could experience what its like to find out I am pregnant and have that life growing inside of me but if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be. I will raise an adopted child and love them just as much if not more than if I had a biological child. I know there are a lot of children out there in bad situations and I just hope I can make one or maybe two of their lives better.

So now, I am waiting. I have filled out the application online and it said they would contact me. Well that was over 3 weeks ago and I haven't heard from them. I called them today and got a voicemail so I left a message. I don't know how long it will take to hear from them but I know the whole process is lengthy anyway so I am really anxious to get the ball rolling.

Well I guess that's all I have for now.

Good night!

I'm back

I don't really have a lot to say. There isn't much going on. I have started doing water aerobics with Melinda. We do it two days a week. I am hoping that I can get motivated to go to the gym more often than that but we'll see. I am just taking it a step at a time.

We are working on saving some money to be able to do more treatments but its a slow process. Its really been kind of nice to not have to stress about what day of my cycle it is and when I have to take what. I am supposed to go have another HSG done but I am in no rush. The HSG is the test that tells them if my fallopian tubes are open completely. They inject a dye and then do an xray to see if the dye flows through the tubes freely. I have noticed several of the blogs I read that were struggling with infertility they are now pregnant so maybe that's a good thing for me, I am not sure yet.

So far the summer has been good. We have been hanging out a lot with some good friends of ours and just doing what we want when we want. Jason's new job is definitely helping with that. We did add a new addition to our family. Ace has been with us for about 3 weeks now. He is a 15 month old Yorkie. He follows me around like my shadow. We are finally passed the "getting use to each other" phase, now he is just learning the rules of the house. He is a good dog and he is very sweet.

Well I guess that's all for now. I hope everyone is doing well!

So much for that

I started my period today. I am pissed but there is nothing I can do. I am out of money and that's it. I don't know if I will post again for a while. There is just nothing else to say. I will just put my stupid fake happy face on and pretend everything is ok. What else is new? I have become a pro at it.

My niece....the goober

She cracks me up!

What now?

I am at work and just NOT in the mood to do ANYTHING. I just want to go home and go to bed. I have work that needs to get done but I just can't motivate myself. I am in a very blah mood. I don't really care to talk to anyone. Normally I go outside and talk to my boss while she smokes a cigarette and I'm not really even in the mood to do that. I need something exciting to do, something to look forward to at least until this 2ww is up. I might go insane before the two weeks is up! I really need to find something to do! Anyone have any ideas? Its hard to do anything when you don't want to be around anyone but maybe if its exciting I can handle the being around people part just don't expect me to be chipper (I know that's a stretch for me even on a good day...lol) or bouncing off the walls.

The story...

Ok, here we go.

First of all, I slept VERY little last night. I kept dreaming that something went wrong, like I didn't get the collection to the office within 90 minutes or I got it there and they tell me they will have to reschedule me next month because the doctor is out.

So, 7:15, Jason has done his part so I get the cup and place it in its nifty paper bad and head to the doctor's office. I get there and no one is there but I am a little early so I wait. About 8:15 the receptionist shows up, I went inside and she looks at me like I am nuts and asks if she can help me. I told her I needed to drop off my bag. She looked at me again like I am nuts and says "oh you are supposed to be at the Irving office". WHAT?!?!?! I looked at her and as calmly as I could I said "No one ever mentioned Irving to me". She said "I told you that on Friday". I just looked at her and said "no you didn't" and walked out. I didn't have time to argue. The sperm needed to be to the lab in 90 minutes and I was already coming up on 60 minutes and to make it to Irving during rush hour was surely going to take longer than 30 minutes and I had very little gas in my car. I put the address in my GPS and it said I would arrive there at 8:45, THAT IS 90 MINUTES! I step on it and I am crying and ranting and raving and screaming at any car that gets in my way, begging and pleading with them to just get out of my way. I did hit a little traffic but nothing like I expected, THANK GOD! I got on 161 where the speed limit is 70 and I went about 85. I was daring any cop to pull me over. They wouldn't have known what hit them when they got done with me...lol. So I got to the Irving office with about 5 minutes to spare and very very little gas left. I walked in and told her I was supposed to be there at 8 but I was late because no one told me I was supposed to go to Irving so I went to Arlington. I told the receptionist that the collection was pushing its limit really quickly and she said she would get me back ASAP. I sat down and tried to breath deeply. Within about 2 minutes they called me back. I gave her the collection, filled out a form and left. Now I don't have to be back until 10:15. Well my original plan was to go back home and finish getting dressed but now that I am in Irving that plan is shot all to hell. I went to Chevron to get gas, then to McDonalds for some food, and then spent some time wandering around Target. I went back and was pretty early (making up for the lateness from earlier...lol) and went ahead and went in. It didn't take them long to call me back. I went in and did the whole undress from the waste down crap, with the paper sheet over me and waited for the Dr. He didn't leave me waiting long. He came in and said that Jason's sperm count was good (that was a relief). He started the procedure which is pretty much just like a pap smear. After he was done he elevated the chair so that my hips were elevated at a 45 degree angle and told me to lay there for about 15 minutes and then a nurse would come get me. That was interesting. I was just laying practically upside down in an exam room staring at the ceiling. Once I was done the nurse came and let me down...lol. Now I just get to wait another 2 weeks and see what happens. Keep on praying!

Tomorrow is the day...

I don't know what to expect. I don't know what is going to happen. I just know that I have to be there at 10:15. I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I don't know if I just go in and they do it and I go home and act like nothing is going on or if I have to lay down for a while or stand on my head or what. I guess I will find out tomorrow. Please say all the prayers you can between now and then. I'll update tomorrow.

P.S.
That pregnyl injection I had to do to make me ovulate HURT! Now there is a knot at the injection site and man is it sensitive!

Gotta buy some new ones

I wish that was an option. The ovaries I got are defective! Well the follicles are growing, slowly. They are now 17mm and 19mm. He told me to do my trigger shot at 9 Saturday night. Why 9 I am not sure but I will do whatever he says. If he said to do it while standing on my head and balancing on one hand I would definitely try it. My IUI will be Monday at 10:15. I drop Jason's "collection" off at 8 then I go back for my part at 10:15. I was really hoping it would be on Saturday so he could be there with me but right now he is just too new at work to be asking for time off so I will do it alone. I am getting used to it I guess. He never has jobs that are flexible like mine. I think they would let him come in late for this but we just don't want to start with the time off requests so soon so I'll be fine. Everyone pray hard that this works! Its our last chance for a long time!

Daily Devotional

Thanks Melinda!

What is it in your life that you used to be excited about? Are there dreams that you’ve pushed down, goals that you’ve let go of? Too often, because those dreams seem to be taking a long time, or because we’ve been through some disappointments, we become complacent. It’s easy to just accept the fact that “it’s probably not going to happen for me.” But just because you gave up doesn’t mean God gave up. God never aborts a dream. He always fulfills His promises! That dream He placed in your heart may be pushed down by disappointments, setbacks, failures, or rejection. But know this; the seed is still alive.

The promise is still in you. You just need to get your fire back! That dream may look like it’s dead in the ground, but really, it’s just been planted. That means it’s coming back. It’s going to flourish! Our attitude should be “This may be taking a long time, and maybe I don’t see how it could happen, but I know God already has the completion date. I’m not going to give up on my dreams. I’m not going to go through life without goals, passion, or enthusiasm. No, I’m getting my vision back because I know God fulfills His promises!

"For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” (which means “Yes”) ascends to God for his glory"(II Corinthians 1:20, NLT).

Dr appt this morning

I went to the doctor this morning. He looked at my ovaries. Both of them have 1 follicle each that is about 14mm. They want them to be about 20mm when I do the HCG injection so he wants me to come back on Friday to have another look and then if they are big enough we will do the IUI on Saturday. My ovaries seem to respond less every month. The first month we did the injections I had big follicles almost immediately and then every month since they have been smaller and smaller. I thought since he upped me to 5 injections instead of 3 it would help that but guess not. I guess we'll see what Friday brings. As long as they cooperate on Friday I am really ok with being knocked back a couple of days because it easier for Jason to not have to get off work or anything. With him having issues this week with his car trouble we don't need him to have to ask for more favors. He is still new there and we don't want to rock the boat if you know what I mean. So hopefully Saturday will be it!

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Everytime I go to the doctor and then have to go get the prescriptions filled I get so upset about how expensive it is that I cry most of the way back to work and then I stress out all day about it. I had a doc appointment this morning. It was the usual, check my ovaries to make sure there are no cysts and then hand me a crap load of prescriptions that will cost be 4 arms, 3 legs, and 8 fingers. This time it 5 arms, 4 legs and 15 fingers because he threw in some extra injections and an estrogen pill. So now instead of taking 3 injections which is 1 every other day for 5 days, he has changed me to do 1 everyday for 5 days. Well guess what? That cost MORE MONEY! This is our last chance this year I guess because today's prescriptions cost me more than what I had left on my flexible spending account so I had to pay about $170 out of pocket. That's not too bad but it would be if we tried again next month and had to pay it ALL out of pocket. We are doing the IUI this time. So I will go in next Wednesday to make sure there are eggs ready to be released then he said I will need to take Jason's "collection" in probably Friday and do the procedure. This does have a better success rate than just the natural way but its still nothing definite so we will see.

Aunt Flo

She's here....and I HATE her!

Friday is coming...

I don't know if I am ready for Friday to be here or not. Technically Friday is the day I can take a pg test but I just know its going to be negative again and I just don't want to see that again. But then I guess its better than wondering what every twinge or pain is. I guess if its negative we can move on to the IUI and have a much better chance. I do have to say I am handling friends becoming pregnant better than I have previously. There was a time I would go in my bathroom and just cry but I am past that stage and have learned to deal. I am truly happy for them and I hope everything works out. Not that I have EVER wished that it wouldn't work out just that it took me some time to be happy for them. I am feeling overwhelmed. I can't concentrate on anything for very long. I am SO ready to have a few days off work. I will be off a couple days before Memorial Day weekend and a few days after and will hopefully get to spend a little time with Addisyn and she always makes me feel better. She is so much fun and she keeps me busy so I don't have time to sit and think.

Happy Mother's Day

I just thought I would say Happy Mother's Day to all of you that are mothers and even to those that are working hard to become mothers. I hope everyone has a great day.

Maybe next year I really will be a mother not just one of those working hard to be. I might lose my mind by then if I am still working at it.

The wrote a song about my life!...LOL

I love this song. It makes a lot of sense to me. You all know how my luck goes sometimes....Now I do have to say I have a great boss who I would never say anything bad about so ignore the first verse....lol

It Happens Lyrics
Missed my alarm clock ringing
Woke up telephone screaming
Boss man singing his same old song

Rolled in late about an hour
No cup of coffee, no shower
Walk of shame with two different shoes on
Now it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is
Psssh
It happens

My trusty-rusty had a flat
I borrowed my neighbors Cadillac"I'll be right back," going down to Wally World
That yellow light turned red too quickly
Knew that the truck moment it hit me
Out stepped my ex and his new girl("Sorry 'bout your neck baby")

But it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is
Psssh
It happens

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is
Psssh
It happens

Yeah, the irrefutable, indisputable, absoluteable, totally beautiful fact is
Psssh
It happens

Here is a link to the video if you actually want to HEAR the song :-)
http://community.cmt.com/Video/Sugarland-----It-Happens/0BEDCFFFF0198F1D5001700AE30DC

Here they come!

So you know all those people that I mentioned are pregnant around me? Well they are starting to pop! One had her baby last month, another had their baby yesterday, one is scheduled for c section May 28th. Then unfortunately two miscarried :-(. Baby Cayden (my new nephew) still has a little while to cook but he likes to give his mama hell and she has been having contractions here and there recently. Stay in there boy! Its not time to come out yet!

Anyway, the point of my post is that while I am very happy for everyone I would really like a turn. Is that too much to ask? I did my injections this month and all that stuff now we are at the beginning of the two week wait but I just don't think this is it. I should start my period again around the 15th. We will see I suppose.

P.S.
Jason started his new job today!

Stressed

As I posted before, Jason was offered a new job at a plumbing company. Well we were all excited about it and he really wanted it. Well now, he has put in his two week notice at his current job and they are falling all over themselves trying to get him to stay. He has told them the reason why he is leaving, money, opportunity, new experience, etc. They have offered him more money but still not what the new place is offering. They have offered to put him in a management position if/when one becomes available. Now they have us all confused. I still think going to the new place is best but what if I am wrong? What if he quits this place and then the plumbing company job ends up being worse? This is the part of being an adult that I hate. I just want someone to tell us what to do. I am afraid whatever he does will be wrong, but only god knows what is. Everyone I have talked to about it says they agree with me and that taking the new job is the best option but what if its not? Sheesh!