The story...

Ok, here we go.

First of all, I slept VERY little last night. I kept dreaming that something went wrong, like I didn't get the collection to the office within 90 minutes or I got it there and they tell me they will have to reschedule me next month because the doctor is out.

So, 7:15, Jason has done his part so I get the cup and place it in its nifty paper bad and head to the doctor's office. I get there and no one is there but I am a little early so I wait. About 8:15 the receptionist shows up, I went inside and she looks at me like I am nuts and asks if she can help me. I told her I needed to drop off my bag. She looked at me again like I am nuts and says "oh you are supposed to be at the Irving office". WHAT?!?!?! I looked at her and as calmly as I could I said "No one ever mentioned Irving to me". She said "I told you that on Friday". I just looked at her and said "no you didn't" and walked out. I didn't have time to argue. The sperm needed to be to the lab in 90 minutes and I was already coming up on 60 minutes and to make it to Irving during rush hour was surely going to take longer than 30 minutes and I had very little gas in my car. I put the address in my GPS and it said I would arrive there at 8:45, THAT IS 90 MINUTES! I step on it and I am crying and ranting and raving and screaming at any car that gets in my way, begging and pleading with them to just get out of my way. I did hit a little traffic but nothing like I expected, THANK GOD! I got on 161 where the speed limit is 70 and I went about 85. I was daring any cop to pull me over. They wouldn't have known what hit them when they got done with me...lol. So I got to the Irving office with about 5 minutes to spare and very very little gas left. I walked in and told her I was supposed to be there at 8 but I was late because no one told me I was supposed to go to Irving so I went to Arlington. I told the receptionist that the collection was pushing its limit really quickly and she said she would get me back ASAP. I sat down and tried to breath deeply. Within about 2 minutes they called me back. I gave her the collection, filled out a form and left. Now I don't have to be back until 10:15. Well my original plan was to go back home and finish getting dressed but now that I am in Irving that plan is shot all to hell. I went to Chevron to get gas, then to McDonalds for some food, and then spent some time wandering around Target. I went back and was pretty early (making up for the lateness from earlier...lol) and went ahead and went in. It didn't take them long to call me back. I went in and did the whole undress from the waste down crap, with the paper sheet over me and waited for the Dr. He didn't leave me waiting long. He came in and said that Jason's sperm count was good (that was a relief). He started the procedure which is pretty much just like a pap smear. After he was done he elevated the chair so that my hips were elevated at a 45 degree angle and told me to lay there for about 15 minutes and then a nurse would come get me. That was interesting. I was just laying practically upside down in an exam room staring at the ceiling. Once I was done the nurse came and let me down...lol. Now I just get to wait another 2 weeks and see what happens. Keep on praying!

Tomorrow is the day...

I don't know what to expect. I don't know what is going to happen. I just know that I have to be there at 10:15. I hate not knowing what's going to happen. I don't know if I just go in and they do it and I go home and act like nothing is going on or if I have to lay down for a while or stand on my head or what. I guess I will find out tomorrow. Please say all the prayers you can between now and then. I'll update tomorrow.

P.S.
That pregnyl injection I had to do to make me ovulate HURT! Now there is a knot at the injection site and man is it sensitive!

Gotta buy some new ones

I wish that was an option. The ovaries I got are defective! Well the follicles are growing, slowly. They are now 17mm and 19mm. He told me to do my trigger shot at 9 Saturday night. Why 9 I am not sure but I will do whatever he says. If he said to do it while standing on my head and balancing on one hand I would definitely try it. My IUI will be Monday at 10:15. I drop Jason's "collection" off at 8 then I go back for my part at 10:15. I was really hoping it would be on Saturday so he could be there with me but right now he is just too new at work to be asking for time off so I will do it alone. I am getting used to it I guess. He never has jobs that are flexible like mine. I think they would let him come in late for this but we just don't want to start with the time off requests so soon so I'll be fine. Everyone pray hard that this works! Its our last chance for a long time!

Daily Devotional

Thanks Melinda!

What is it in your life that you used to be excited about? Are there dreams that you’ve pushed down, goals that you’ve let go of? Too often, because those dreams seem to be taking a long time, or because we’ve been through some disappointments, we become complacent. It’s easy to just accept the fact that “it’s probably not going to happen for me.” But just because you gave up doesn’t mean God gave up. God never aborts a dream. He always fulfills His promises! That dream He placed in your heart may be pushed down by disappointments, setbacks, failures, or rejection. But know this; the seed is still alive.

The promise is still in you. You just need to get your fire back! That dream may look like it’s dead in the ground, but really, it’s just been planted. That means it’s coming back. It’s going to flourish! Our attitude should be “This may be taking a long time, and maybe I don’t see how it could happen, but I know God already has the completion date. I’m not going to give up on my dreams. I’m not going to go through life without goals, passion, or enthusiasm. No, I’m getting my vision back because I know God fulfills His promises!

"For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” (which means “Yes”) ascends to God for his glory"(II Corinthians 1:20, NLT).

Dr appt this morning

I went to the doctor this morning. He looked at my ovaries. Both of them have 1 follicle each that is about 14mm. They want them to be about 20mm when I do the HCG injection so he wants me to come back on Friday to have another look and then if they are big enough we will do the IUI on Saturday. My ovaries seem to respond less every month. The first month we did the injections I had big follicles almost immediately and then every month since they have been smaller and smaller. I thought since he upped me to 5 injections instead of 3 it would help that but guess not. I guess we'll see what Friday brings. As long as they cooperate on Friday I am really ok with being knocked back a couple of days because it easier for Jason to not have to get off work or anything. With him having issues this week with his car trouble we don't need him to have to ask for more favors. He is still new there and we don't want to rock the boat if you know what I mean. So hopefully Saturday will be it!

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Everytime I go to the doctor and then have to go get the prescriptions filled I get so upset about how expensive it is that I cry most of the way back to work and then I stress out all day about it. I had a doc appointment this morning. It was the usual, check my ovaries to make sure there are no cysts and then hand me a crap load of prescriptions that will cost be 4 arms, 3 legs, and 8 fingers. This time it 5 arms, 4 legs and 15 fingers because he threw in some extra injections and an estrogen pill. So now instead of taking 3 injections which is 1 every other day for 5 days, he has changed me to do 1 everyday for 5 days. Well guess what? That cost MORE MONEY! This is our last chance this year I guess because today's prescriptions cost me more than what I had left on my flexible spending account so I had to pay about $170 out of pocket. That's not too bad but it would be if we tried again next month and had to pay it ALL out of pocket. We are doing the IUI this time. So I will go in next Wednesday to make sure there are eggs ready to be released then he said I will need to take Jason's "collection" in probably Friday and do the procedure. This does have a better success rate than just the natural way but its still nothing definite so we will see.

Aunt Flo

She's here....and I HATE her!

Friday is coming...

I don't know if I am ready for Friday to be here or not. Technically Friday is the day I can take a pg test but I just know its going to be negative again and I just don't want to see that again. But then I guess its better than wondering what every twinge or pain is. I guess if its negative we can move on to the IUI and have a much better chance. I do have to say I am handling friends becoming pregnant better than I have previously. There was a time I would go in my bathroom and just cry but I am past that stage and have learned to deal. I am truly happy for them and I hope everything works out. Not that I have EVER wished that it wouldn't work out just that it took me some time to be happy for them. I am feeling overwhelmed. I can't concentrate on anything for very long. I am SO ready to have a few days off work. I will be off a couple days before Memorial Day weekend and a few days after and will hopefully get to spend a little time with Addisyn and she always makes me feel better. She is so much fun and she keeps me busy so I don't have time to sit and think.

Happy Mother's Day

I just thought I would say Happy Mother's Day to all of you that are mothers and even to those that are working hard to become mothers. I hope everyone has a great day.

Maybe next year I really will be a mother not just one of those working hard to be. I might lose my mind by then if I am still working at it.

The wrote a song about my life!...LOL

I love this song. It makes a lot of sense to me. You all know how my luck goes sometimes....Now I do have to say I have a great boss who I would never say anything bad about so ignore the first verse....lol

It Happens Lyrics
Missed my alarm clock ringing
Woke up telephone screaming
Boss man singing his same old song

Rolled in late about an hour
No cup of coffee, no shower
Walk of shame with two different shoes on
Now it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is
Psssh
It happens

My trusty-rusty had a flat
I borrowed my neighbors Cadillac"I'll be right back," going down to Wally World
That yellow light turned red too quickly
Knew that the truck moment it hit me
Out stepped my ex and his new girl("Sorry 'bout your neck baby")

But it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is
Psssh
It happens

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is
Psssh
It happens

Yeah, the irrefutable, indisputable, absoluteable, totally beautiful fact is
Psssh
It happens

Here is a link to the video if you actually want to HEAR the song :-)
http://community.cmt.com/Video/Sugarland-----It-Happens/0BEDCFFFF0198F1D5001700AE30DC

Here they come!

So you know all those people that I mentioned are pregnant around me? Well they are starting to pop! One had her baby last month, another had their baby yesterday, one is scheduled for c section May 28th. Then unfortunately two miscarried :-(. Baby Cayden (my new nephew) still has a little while to cook but he likes to give his mama hell and she has been having contractions here and there recently. Stay in there boy! Its not time to come out yet!

Anyway, the point of my post is that while I am very happy for everyone I would really like a turn. Is that too much to ask? I did my injections this month and all that stuff now we are at the beginning of the two week wait but I just don't think this is it. I should start my period again around the 15th. We will see I suppose.

P.S.
Jason started his new job today!

Stressed

As I posted before, Jason was offered a new job at a plumbing company. Well we were all excited about it and he really wanted it. Well now, he has put in his two week notice at his current job and they are falling all over themselves trying to get him to stay. He has told them the reason why he is leaving, money, opportunity, new experience, etc. They have offered him more money but still not what the new place is offering. They have offered to put him in a management position if/when one becomes available. Now they have us all confused. I still think going to the new place is best but what if I am wrong? What if he quits this place and then the plumbing company job ends up being worse? This is the part of being an adult that I hate. I just want someone to tell us what to do. I am afraid whatever he does will be wrong, but only god knows what is. Everyone I have talked to about it says they agree with me and that taking the new job is the best option but what if its not? Sheesh!

There are 2!

I just returned to work from the doctor. There are two mature follicles on my left ovary that are ready to release eggs. He told me to do the HCG injection tonight. Then he wants me to go on Thursday next week for blood work to check my progesterone levels to see if I in fact ovulated. So, if there is two eggs that does give me a better chance of actually becoming pregnant but that also means there is a chance for twins...lol...lord help us! Here comes the two week wait! Anyway, back to work!

Update

I just got back from the doctor. I had to see that other doctor that I dislike so much because my doctor was out so I had fully prepared myself to tell him where he could stick it should he give me trouble like the last time I saw him but he was fine. He did the sonogram and my right ovary has 1 follicle and my left ovary has 2 follicles that are trying to release eggs. However, he said they are not as big as he would like them to be at this point so instead of assuming they will increase in size he would like me to do 2 more Menopur injections, one tonight and one tomorrow night and then me come back in for another sonogram on Thursday. He said if we don't do this the follicles could potentially just shrink back down and not release the eggs. So, there is another chunk of money out of my FSA, which is already running rather low but oh well. I told him about how much more expensive the other pharmacy was than the one over by his Irving office. He was shocked. He said he was going to call and complain. He gave me the name of another pharmacy off Industrial Blvd in Euless so I went there and there prices were the same as the first pharmacy so I guess I can live with that. These two injections cost $140, which is $70 a piece like the first place. So anyway, I will do the injections tonight and tomorrow and go back on Thursday and see where we stand. Hopefully they will be ready and I can do the trigger shot and ovulate.

Jason has decided that if we don't get pregnant this month that he is willing to do the IUI next month so we will see what happens.

On another note, for those of you that I haven't already told. You remember the job interview Jason went on at the plumbing company a while back that he really wanted? Well, a week or two ago Jason decided to call the guy since he hadn't ever heard from him and just see if he had any other positions open. The guy told him that they hadn't filled the office manager position yet because the owner had decided to hold off for a little bit on it. He said Jason was still in the running for the position and that he would let him know something as soon as he knows. Well, yesterday Jason got a phone call from the guy and he GOT THE JOB! Jason was so surprised he made the guy repeat himself...lol. He really wanted this job. Its a big pay increase for him and he has been wanting to get out of the satellite business so this job was perfect. He goes today to do some training since its his off day and then he will put in his two week notice tomorrow and if they send him home like we expect then he will probably start full time at the new place later in the week.

Things are looking up! I hope they stay this way!

I am floored!

Beyond floored! I just have no words. When I was in third grade we moved into our house on Wagonwheel. I met two girls Stephanie and Jessica that lived across the street from us. Stephanie was 2 years old than me and Jessica was a year younger than me but in the same grade. I guess that is why I became friends with her and not Stephanie. Jessica was always a drama queen. She thought the sun didn't shine until she woke up. Even at the age of 12 boys fell all over themselves to be friends with her and she took advantage of it. We were friends off and on. Mainly when it was convenient for her. In high school we didn't have a lot to do with each other. I had a steady boyfriend, Chris, and she was busy being a whore. I'm sorry, I realize that is not nice but its the honest to god truth. Our junior year of high school I happened to walk outside to check the mail, our mailbox was a community box and was right in front of their house. As I walked outside I saw an ambulance and Jessica and Stephanie's house. I ran inside to tell my parents. My dad rushed over there to see what was going on and see if he could help. Their dad was paralyzed from the waist down and we thought maybe something happened to him or their mom. My dad came back and told my mom to come over there and made me and my sister go in the house. I knew something bad had happened but no one was telling me what. Later my parents came home and told me that Jessica had tried to kill herself by taking a bunch of pills. I was SO upset. I hadn't had a lot to do with her because of previously stated reasons but I still cared what happened to her and wished I had been there to stop her. For the next few months after that her parents had asked me to basically be her chaperone. I drove her home from school and was instructed to go straight from school to her house and even if she asked me to take her somewhere else not to. I even got suspended from school once for defending her from her ex-boyfriend which she claimed was the reason she tried to kill herself. After high school and all that drama we didn't have anything to do with each other for a year or so and then all the sudden she showed up at my house one day. I went and hung out with her at her apartment and thought we were friends again. We even got an apartment together. That was the longest 6 month living arrangement of my life. She was like night and day. You never knew what Jessica you would encounter. She had met John online and talked to him on the phone all the time and was planning to move to Indiana to be with him. At the same time she had guys in and out of our apartment all the time and John was just an idiot and didn't think she was cheating on him. The only good thing that came out of my living with Jessica is Jason. He came over to hang out with her from time to time and we got to be friends as well. Then one of the times Jessica flew to Indiana to be with John she asked him to call me and keep me from being bored and we became close friends. At that point we kind of shoved Jessica out of the picture and of course with her all about me attitude she did NOT like that. I learned from Jason later there were times when everyone was over and Jessica would stand behind me and point at me and mouth the words "I hate her".

As soon as our lease was up, actually sooner. I moved out. I moved in with Kelsey who is still my best friend to this day. I didn't talk to Jessica for a long time after that. She moved to Indiana and got pregnant and then got married. Jason talked to her on the phone every once in a while I think but I didn't. She eventually moved back to Ft Worth and brought John and her daughter with her. Since she was the reason Jason and I were together we asked her to be in our wedding. She was almost a normal person during these days so I tolerated her and tried to be her friend. Then of course she dropped from the face of the planet again and didn't have much to do with us. I had finally had enough.

I sent her an email and I told her exactly how I felt about her. I told her that she was nothing but a drama queen and that she thrived on drama. I told her that I was an adult and married with my own house and I planned on acting like an adult. I would not be subjected to her drama and the chaos that surrounded her. I told her that if she wanted to grow up and act her age I would be her friend and help her in anyway that I could. She responded to me and said that it was a lot to take it and that she would get back to me. That was the last I heard from her.

I read her sister Stephanie's blog regularly and Stephanie has a great family life. Jessica has since gotten divorced, lost custody of her daughter to her parents, had another baby, lost custody of him, and now I just found out today had yet another baby that was born 5 weeks early, is in the NICU with drugs in his system and had to be resusciated. I am just so angry right now I can't see straight. I can't believe someone can be so stupid and uncaring to do drugs while pregnant! I don't have the slightest idea who this baby's father is but it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't know either.

Here I am struggling to have a baby and Jessica can do all these horrible horrible things and just keep having babies that she can't take care of. Can anyone tell me how any of that makes sense? Sorry I am rambling on about this but I am just floored. I know some of the things I said about her aren't nice but I am telling you all they are the honest to god truth. Its amazing how normal her older sister turned out and that she has her own three boys that she adopted because she has PCOS like I do and is home schooling them and giving them all a great life. I hope that Jessica's three kids have someone to do this for them because its obvious that their mother isn't capable of it.

You know I wonder, what if I hadn't pushed her away. What if I had tried to stay friends with her? What if I worked harder to help her be a better person? I really think I tried. I tried for many years and she would work at it for a couple of months to stay out of trouble and then she would just get sucked back in. I can't say I didn't try but what if I had tried harder? Her parents told her lots of times that I was a good influence on her. I guess I am just lucky that I am smart enough not to let her bad influence make me the kind of person she is.

Hope

The last few weeks I have missed church. Just too many things going on and then yesterday for some dumb reason my alarm didn't go off. It did it again this morning too but this time the thunder and rain woke me up so I didn't miss anything. I think going to church and listening to them talk about God and how he does what's best does help a little bit. Not that I am overly happy that he seems to think that making me go through all this is what's best but I guess the reasoning behind that will be shown to me in time. Maybe, its to teach me patience of which right now I have very little depending on the subject. With children I have a lot of patience I think, with adults that should already know better I have none...lol.

The main reason I am having so much difficulty right now is that my monetary resources are running dangerously low and next month will likely be our last show until next year which really sucks! Maybe we won't need it but who knows. I will go to the doctor tomorrow for a sonogram to see if my ovaries are ready to release eggs and then he will tell me when to do the trigger shot which will probably be Wednesday or Thursday.

So, if you have uncrossed them then I am going to need you to recross all those fingers and toes!

Doing better...

I am doing better today than I have been. If you caught the short-lived blog from Sunday night before I removed it you know what I mean.

These hormone injections have had a different effect on me this time around than it did the last time. You know that little filter in your head that tells you when you should keep your opinions to yourself and stuff like that? Well, mine seemed to be on vacation for a few days. Don't get me wrong, I meant everything I said its just normally something that I would just keep to myself. Jason got the brunt of this but he takes it so well and let's me apologize later. He knows I am going through a lot right now and he takes good care of me.

He is considering the IUI route for next month. I know its not the greatest economy to have a baby in right now but I have already spent so much money on all this that it would be a big waste of money if I stop now. The IUI is a little bigger of a deal for him than for me so I told him it was his decision. There is still a large chance that even that won't work. Anyway, I go back to the doctor on Tuesday next week to check my ovaries to see if they are ready to release an egg. He did give me one new medication this month. He said its a steroid but either I didn't catch the reason for it or he just failed to explain that part I don't remember which. There is so much to remember when you are trying to get all your questions answered at once.

Mad post

WARNING: I am pretty mad right now so if you are someone that might get your feelings hurt by what I am about to say you should stop reading now.

So I just got back from the doctor. He said everything is fine and we are going for round 2. That's not what I am pissed about. What I am pissed about is that I went to get my prescriptions filled and last time they were $290 which was PLENTY. For some reason this time my total was $441! I don't know what the difference is. I got everything that I got the last time. Maybe its because it was a different pharmacy. The last time I went to see him I had to go to his Irving office because that's where he was the day I needed to see him. He sent me across the street from his office to Target because he knows their pharmacy carries what I need. Today I went to his Arlington office and he sent me to Randol Mill Pharmacy for the same reason. Its solely a pharmacy so maybe they charge more. My problem is that I am using an flexible spending account that only has $2000 for the YEAR in it. I have already used half of that. So now after today's fiasco I only have about $500 left. Which means, I really only have one more shot at this if this month doesn't work. I can't afford to pay this out of my pocket. The doctor did mention the IUI option. I asked how much that cost and he said if my insurance won't cover any of it (which they won't) then it will be $260. That isn't bad at all. I thought it would be way more than that. Jason really doesn't want to go this route but if it doesn't work this month and I try again next month and it doesn't work then I won't be able to afford to do all this again until next year. I don't know that I can handle that.

What pisses me off is that I don't think its fair at all for me to have to take out a loan in order to have a child. What did I do to deserve to have to go through so much when others can just blink their eyes or wiggle their nose when they want to have a baby and poof their pregnant. Even people that it takes a year or so to get pregnant have it easy compared to all this. I have two more chances technically and then if I choose to continue I will literally have to find a way to take out a loan or something and that is just not right. I mean really, is there some cosmic force that is telling me not to have a baby? Did I do something that is making me be punished? WHY?!?! That is what I want to know. I know, I know, everyone says it will happen if its meant to but COME ON! There are people out there that have no sense whatsoever that treat their kids like shit and they can pop them out left and right. People that leave their kids in dumpsters! I am just mad and upset and just don't understand at all. I am tired of putting on a happy face and just doing this and pretending everything is ok. ITS NOT!

Better luck next month

I started my period last night. I go back to the doctor tomorrow.

Still no period...

I called the doctor and they told me what I expected them to. I need to wait a couple more days and if still no period test again. Oh the waiting.....WHAT FUN!

So far...

only one line. :-(

Guess I'll call the doctor tomorrow, there is still no period.

I need something to do...

I slept too late this morning. Now I can't go to sleep when I need to. So naturally if I can't sleep my mind begins to wander and then I am thinking of so many different things that even once I get sleepy I can't go to sleep. There is nothing on TV and nothing online interesting. So I guess I will sit here and watch Family Matters until I can't hold my eyes open anymore.

10 more days

So this is a pretty crazy place to be. I have weird pains and cramps in my girlie area. Not really like ovary pain. I have had that long enough I know what that feels like. I don't know if that means something is in fact happening, if its my imagination, or if its just ovaries and/or uterus protesting all the hormones. I notice everything that is not ordinary for me. I don't exactly expect for this to have worked the first time around but of course I hope for it. 10 days until I can technically test. I haven't even bought a test yet because I know myself and I will get impatient and do it anyway and it will just be a waste of money. I will go buy one when its time to test. I just hope I don't go insane before then. :-)

So THESE are the mood swings I have heard so much about

Wow, I woke up this morning in the most depressed state I think I have ever been in. I had to make myself get out of bed. Then by the time I was ready for work and driving to the office I was fighting back tears. I just wanted to go back home and curl up in bed next to my husband and not talk to anyone. Then I get to work and barely sit my butt in the chair and I have 3 people immediately asking me questions. Sheesh! Can't I breath for a second? Now I think I am back to a semi-normal mood but apparently that may change in the next couple of minutes.

Kelsey did my injection for me last night because it has to be administered in the hip. Boy my hip is sore now. I expected that because I had been reading about it and lots of people said they were sore for a couple of days afterward. No signs yet as to if its working quite yet but I guess it needs some time. I did the fertility monitor this morning like I have been every morning for the past 16 days and it hasn't indicated ovulation yet. Hopefully it will tomorrow!

I am hanging on tight. This could be a bumpy ride!

Doctor visit this morning

Ok so my post last night was to prepare you all in how to deal with me if the doctor today told me the injections weren't working. Well....guess what! They ARE working! He did a sonogram and my left ovary does have a follicle that is ready to release an egg!!! I have to do what's called and HCG shot tomorrow evening which is the hormone that will tell my ovary to release the egg. He said if I don't have my period in two weeks to do a home pregnancy test and call him. Wow! That is going to be the longest two weeks ever!