There are 2!

I just returned to work from the doctor. There are two mature follicles on my left ovary that are ready to release eggs. He told me to do the HCG injection tonight. Then he wants me to go on Thursday next week for blood work to check my progesterone levels to see if I in fact ovulated. So, if there is two eggs that does give me a better chance of actually becoming pregnant but that also means there is a chance for twins...lol...lord help us! Here comes the two week wait! Anyway, back to work!

Update

I just got back from the doctor. I had to see that other doctor that I dislike so much because my doctor was out so I had fully prepared myself to tell him where he could stick it should he give me trouble like the last time I saw him but he was fine. He did the sonogram and my right ovary has 1 follicle and my left ovary has 2 follicles that are trying to release eggs. However, he said they are not as big as he would like them to be at this point so instead of assuming they will increase in size he would like me to do 2 more Menopur injections, one tonight and one tomorrow night and then me come back in for another sonogram on Thursday. He said if we don't do this the follicles could potentially just shrink back down and not release the eggs. So, there is another chunk of money out of my FSA, which is already running rather low but oh well. I told him about how much more expensive the other pharmacy was than the one over by his Irving office. He was shocked. He said he was going to call and complain. He gave me the name of another pharmacy off Industrial Blvd in Euless so I went there and there prices were the same as the first pharmacy so I guess I can live with that. These two injections cost $140, which is $70 a piece like the first place. So anyway, I will do the injections tonight and tomorrow and go back on Thursday and see where we stand. Hopefully they will be ready and I can do the trigger shot and ovulate.

Jason has decided that if we don't get pregnant this month that he is willing to do the IUI next month so we will see what happens.

On another note, for those of you that I haven't already told. You remember the job interview Jason went on at the plumbing company a while back that he really wanted? Well, a week or two ago Jason decided to call the guy since he hadn't ever heard from him and just see if he had any other positions open. The guy told him that they hadn't filled the office manager position yet because the owner had decided to hold off for a little bit on it. He said Jason was still in the running for the position and that he would let him know something as soon as he knows. Well, yesterday Jason got a phone call from the guy and he GOT THE JOB! Jason was so surprised he made the guy repeat himself...lol. He really wanted this job. Its a big pay increase for him and he has been wanting to get out of the satellite business so this job was perfect. He goes today to do some training since its his off day and then he will put in his two week notice tomorrow and if they send him home like we expect then he will probably start full time at the new place later in the week.

Things are looking up! I hope they stay this way!

I am floored!

Beyond floored! I just have no words. When I was in third grade we moved into our house on Wagonwheel. I met two girls Stephanie and Jessica that lived across the street from us. Stephanie was 2 years old than me and Jessica was a year younger than me but in the same grade. I guess that is why I became friends with her and not Stephanie. Jessica was always a drama queen. She thought the sun didn't shine until she woke up. Even at the age of 12 boys fell all over themselves to be friends with her and she took advantage of it. We were friends off and on. Mainly when it was convenient for her. In high school we didn't have a lot to do with each other. I had a steady boyfriend, Chris, and she was busy being a whore. I'm sorry, I realize that is not nice but its the honest to god truth. Our junior year of high school I happened to walk outside to check the mail, our mailbox was a community box and was right in front of their house. As I walked outside I saw an ambulance and Jessica and Stephanie's house. I ran inside to tell my parents. My dad rushed over there to see what was going on and see if he could help. Their dad was paralyzed from the waist down and we thought maybe something happened to him or their mom. My dad came back and told my mom to come over there and made me and my sister go in the house. I knew something bad had happened but no one was telling me what. Later my parents came home and told me that Jessica had tried to kill herself by taking a bunch of pills. I was SO upset. I hadn't had a lot to do with her because of previously stated reasons but I still cared what happened to her and wished I had been there to stop her. For the next few months after that her parents had asked me to basically be her chaperone. I drove her home from school and was instructed to go straight from school to her house and even if she asked me to take her somewhere else not to. I even got suspended from school once for defending her from her ex-boyfriend which she claimed was the reason she tried to kill herself. After high school and all that drama we didn't have anything to do with each other for a year or so and then all the sudden she showed up at my house one day. I went and hung out with her at her apartment and thought we were friends again. We even got an apartment together. That was the longest 6 month living arrangement of my life. She was like night and day. You never knew what Jessica you would encounter. She had met John online and talked to him on the phone all the time and was planning to move to Indiana to be with him. At the same time she had guys in and out of our apartment all the time and John was just an idiot and didn't think she was cheating on him. The only good thing that came out of my living with Jessica is Jason. He came over to hang out with her from time to time and we got to be friends as well. Then one of the times Jessica flew to Indiana to be with John she asked him to call me and keep me from being bored and we became close friends. At that point we kind of shoved Jessica out of the picture and of course with her all about me attitude she did NOT like that. I learned from Jason later there were times when everyone was over and Jessica would stand behind me and point at me and mouth the words "I hate her".

As soon as our lease was up, actually sooner. I moved out. I moved in with Kelsey who is still my best friend to this day. I didn't talk to Jessica for a long time after that. She moved to Indiana and got pregnant and then got married. Jason talked to her on the phone every once in a while I think but I didn't. She eventually moved back to Ft Worth and brought John and her daughter with her. Since she was the reason Jason and I were together we asked her to be in our wedding. She was almost a normal person during these days so I tolerated her and tried to be her friend. Then of course she dropped from the face of the planet again and didn't have much to do with us. I had finally had enough.

I sent her an email and I told her exactly how I felt about her. I told her that she was nothing but a drama queen and that she thrived on drama. I told her that I was an adult and married with my own house and I planned on acting like an adult. I would not be subjected to her drama and the chaos that surrounded her. I told her that if she wanted to grow up and act her age I would be her friend and help her in anyway that I could. She responded to me and said that it was a lot to take it and that she would get back to me. That was the last I heard from her.

I read her sister Stephanie's blog regularly and Stephanie has a great family life. Jessica has since gotten divorced, lost custody of her daughter to her parents, had another baby, lost custody of him, and now I just found out today had yet another baby that was born 5 weeks early, is in the NICU with drugs in his system and had to be resusciated. I am just so angry right now I can't see straight. I can't believe someone can be so stupid and uncaring to do drugs while pregnant! I don't have the slightest idea who this baby's father is but it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't know either.

Here I am struggling to have a baby and Jessica can do all these horrible horrible things and just keep having babies that she can't take care of. Can anyone tell me how any of that makes sense? Sorry I am rambling on about this but I am just floored. I know some of the things I said about her aren't nice but I am telling you all they are the honest to god truth. Its amazing how normal her older sister turned out and that she has her own three boys that she adopted because she has PCOS like I do and is home schooling them and giving them all a great life. I hope that Jessica's three kids have someone to do this for them because its obvious that their mother isn't capable of it.

You know I wonder, what if I hadn't pushed her away. What if I had tried to stay friends with her? What if I worked harder to help her be a better person? I really think I tried. I tried for many years and she would work at it for a couple of months to stay out of trouble and then she would just get sucked back in. I can't say I didn't try but what if I had tried harder? Her parents told her lots of times that I was a good influence on her. I guess I am just lucky that I am smart enough not to let her bad influence make me the kind of person she is.

Hope

The last few weeks I have missed church. Just too many things going on and then yesterday for some dumb reason my alarm didn't go off. It did it again this morning too but this time the thunder and rain woke me up so I didn't miss anything. I think going to church and listening to them talk about God and how he does what's best does help a little bit. Not that I am overly happy that he seems to think that making me go through all this is what's best but I guess the reasoning behind that will be shown to me in time. Maybe, its to teach me patience of which right now I have very little depending on the subject. With children I have a lot of patience I think, with adults that should already know better I have none...lol.

The main reason I am having so much difficulty right now is that my monetary resources are running dangerously low and next month will likely be our last show until next year which really sucks! Maybe we won't need it but who knows. I will go to the doctor tomorrow for a sonogram to see if my ovaries are ready to release eggs and then he will tell me when to do the trigger shot which will probably be Wednesday or Thursday.

So, if you have uncrossed them then I am going to need you to recross all those fingers and toes!

Doing better...

I am doing better today than I have been. If you caught the short-lived blog from Sunday night before I removed it you know what I mean.

These hormone injections have had a different effect on me this time around than it did the last time. You know that little filter in your head that tells you when you should keep your opinions to yourself and stuff like that? Well, mine seemed to be on vacation for a few days. Don't get me wrong, I meant everything I said its just normally something that I would just keep to myself. Jason got the brunt of this but he takes it so well and let's me apologize later. He knows I am going through a lot right now and he takes good care of me.

He is considering the IUI route for next month. I know its not the greatest economy to have a baby in right now but I have already spent so much money on all this that it would be a big waste of money if I stop now. The IUI is a little bigger of a deal for him than for me so I told him it was his decision. There is still a large chance that even that won't work. Anyway, I go back to the doctor on Tuesday next week to check my ovaries to see if they are ready to release an egg. He did give me one new medication this month. He said its a steroid but either I didn't catch the reason for it or he just failed to explain that part I don't remember which. There is so much to remember when you are trying to get all your questions answered at once.

Mad post

WARNING: I am pretty mad right now so if you are someone that might get your feelings hurt by what I am about to say you should stop reading now.

So I just got back from the doctor. He said everything is fine and we are going for round 2. That's not what I am pissed about. What I am pissed about is that I went to get my prescriptions filled and last time they were $290 which was PLENTY. For some reason this time my total was $441! I don't know what the difference is. I got everything that I got the last time. Maybe its because it was a different pharmacy. The last time I went to see him I had to go to his Irving office because that's where he was the day I needed to see him. He sent me across the street from his office to Target because he knows their pharmacy carries what I need. Today I went to his Arlington office and he sent me to Randol Mill Pharmacy for the same reason. Its solely a pharmacy so maybe they charge more. My problem is that I am using an flexible spending account that only has $2000 for the YEAR in it. I have already used half of that. So now after today's fiasco I only have about $500 left. Which means, I really only have one more shot at this if this month doesn't work. I can't afford to pay this out of my pocket. The doctor did mention the IUI option. I asked how much that cost and he said if my insurance won't cover any of it (which they won't) then it will be $260. That isn't bad at all. I thought it would be way more than that. Jason really doesn't want to go this route but if it doesn't work this month and I try again next month and it doesn't work then I won't be able to afford to do all this again until next year. I don't know that I can handle that.

What pisses me off is that I don't think its fair at all for me to have to take out a loan in order to have a child. What did I do to deserve to have to go through so much when others can just blink their eyes or wiggle their nose when they want to have a baby and poof their pregnant. Even people that it takes a year or so to get pregnant have it easy compared to all this. I have two more chances technically and then if I choose to continue I will literally have to find a way to take out a loan or something and that is just not right. I mean really, is there some cosmic force that is telling me not to have a baby? Did I do something that is making me be punished? WHY?!?! That is what I want to know. I know, I know, everyone says it will happen if its meant to but COME ON! There are people out there that have no sense whatsoever that treat their kids like shit and they can pop them out left and right. People that leave their kids in dumpsters! I am just mad and upset and just don't understand at all. I am tired of putting on a happy face and just doing this and pretending everything is ok. ITS NOT!

Better luck next month

I started my period last night. I go back to the doctor tomorrow.

Still no period...

I called the doctor and they told me what I expected them to. I need to wait a couple more days and if still no period test again. Oh the waiting.....WHAT FUN!

So far...

only one line. :-(

Guess I'll call the doctor tomorrow, there is still no period.

I need something to do...

I slept too late this morning. Now I can't go to sleep when I need to. So naturally if I can't sleep my mind begins to wander and then I am thinking of so many different things that even once I get sleepy I can't go to sleep. There is nothing on TV and nothing online interesting. So I guess I will sit here and watch Family Matters until I can't hold my eyes open anymore.

10 more days

So this is a pretty crazy place to be. I have weird pains and cramps in my girlie area. Not really like ovary pain. I have had that long enough I know what that feels like. I don't know if that means something is in fact happening, if its my imagination, or if its just ovaries and/or uterus protesting all the hormones. I notice everything that is not ordinary for me. I don't exactly expect for this to have worked the first time around but of course I hope for it. 10 days until I can technically test. I haven't even bought a test yet because I know myself and I will get impatient and do it anyway and it will just be a waste of money. I will go buy one when its time to test. I just hope I don't go insane before then. :-)

So THESE are the mood swings I have heard so much about

Wow, I woke up this morning in the most depressed state I think I have ever been in. I had to make myself get out of bed. Then by the time I was ready for work and driving to the office I was fighting back tears. I just wanted to go back home and curl up in bed next to my husband and not talk to anyone. Then I get to work and barely sit my butt in the chair and I have 3 people immediately asking me questions. Sheesh! Can't I breath for a second? Now I think I am back to a semi-normal mood but apparently that may change in the next couple of minutes.

Kelsey did my injection for me last night because it has to be administered in the hip. Boy my hip is sore now. I expected that because I had been reading about it and lots of people said they were sore for a couple of days afterward. No signs yet as to if its working quite yet but I guess it needs some time. I did the fertility monitor this morning like I have been every morning for the past 16 days and it hasn't indicated ovulation yet. Hopefully it will tomorrow!

I am hanging on tight. This could be a bumpy ride!